I statement

I believe that it’s valuable for communication to use I statements 

I get caught up sometimes either 

• Unable to create an I statement because I can’t identify the feelings 
• Getting defensive by interpreting a statement as an attack 
• Dealing with disguised you statements 

I-statements are generally a valuable tool, but toxic or abusive people can sometimes misuse them in an attempt to manipulate and control you. We’re going to look at how to identify when this is happening and what to do about it.

They use you-statements in disguise

Toxic people may try to make it harder for you to defend yourself against their accusations by starting them with the word “I.” They might say, “I feel like you’re rude and disrespectful,” or “I’m really hurt that you abandoned me and never make time for me.” These are not actually I-statements.

To see whether something is an I-statement or an accusation, try removing the first few words from the sentence. If the message is basically the same, it’s probably a you-statement pretending to be an I-statement.

For example, there isn’t really much difference between “I feel like you’re rude and disrespectful” and “You’re rude and disrespectful.”

What to do about it

How you respond to you-statements in disguise usually depends on whether you think the other person is trying to manipulate you intentionally or not.

If you think they’re genuinely trying to communicate well, you can try to help them communicate their feelings better. Try asking questions about how they feel and showing them that you do care about their feelings. Explain calmly that you’re feeling a little attacked, and consider asking for some time to calm down to help you discuss the problem more constructively.

Depending on the relationship you have with them, you might be able to encourage them to do some research into communicating their needs better. If they’re someone you know well and have a trusting relationship with, you could talk about the principles of I-statements and how they work best. You could even suggest that they read this article.

Apologize for any mistakes you genuinely believe you have made. Be polite but non-committal when they complain about situations where you don’t believe you did anything wrong.

For example, you could say, “I understand that it felt that way,” or “That wasn’t my intention.”

If you suspect that they’re trying to manipulate you, it’s often better to disengage from the conversation.

When someone is using I-statements as a weapon, they often use their feelings as a way to shut down the conversation. This behavior is hurtful, invalidating, and often manipulative.[8]

For example, if they say, “I feel like you’re really disrespectful,” you might explain why you don’t believe your actions were disrespectful. They would then try to take control of the conversation by saying, “I’m just telling you how I feel.”

Finding a good resolution to a conflict requires both people to work together. Using I-statements to shut down a conversation like this is an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for what they have said. They’re showing you that they’re not willing to work with you to make things right again.

If you need to work with them to find a solution, try to move the conversation toward concrete actions rather than allowing them to control you with discussions about their feelings. You could say, “I respect that’s how it feels to you, just as you respect that it feels different to me. Given that we feel very differently about it, let’s focus on trying to agree on what we can do differently to make this work.”

Sapolsky and free will

Much behavior is explainable on purely physical and biological grounds

To answer the basic question “Where did that behavior come from,” Sapolsky develops a standard, systematic approach, laid out in his Biology and Behavior coursebook:

We start off by studying the brain and the nervous system. Beginning to work back in time, we then try to understand further the things that modulate the nervous system, such as environmental triggers, hormones, and perinatal and fetal development. Then working further back, we look at the genetic attributes of the population that an individual comes from. This approach pushes us all the way back to examine what the pressures are of natural selection that sculpted that species.

We all know that some of the things that the body does can be explained in this way and that volition has nothing to do with it; if you drink enough alcohol you are eventually going to pass out whether you want to or not. 

What would be surprising would be if we were able to demonstrate that something about our behavior does not work this way.

The classic example of this kind of hypothesis came from Descartes, who imagined that the human pineal gland somehow (to simplify matters) transformed our spiritual energy into physical action. There is a reason why he said this, of course: even as Descartes famously argued that animals were just elaborate machines, he was trying to rescue some form of human free will from determinism. But as Sapolsky systematically lays out chains of causality from the level of molecular interaction all the way up to human behavior — even behavior that once seemed spontaneous — the cumulative effect is to place the full weight of science and our common sense notions of cause-and-effect against the existence of anything like a Cartesian pineal gland.

Behavioral economics and models

We need a new and better model

Randomized clinical trials

Observational data vs controlled study

Objectives To determine whether parachutes are effective in preventing major trauma related to gravitational challenge.

Design Systematic review of randomised controlled trials.

Data sources: Medline, Web of Science, Embase, and the Cochrane Library databases; appropriate internet sites and citation lists.

Study selection: Studies showing the effects of using a parachute during free fall.

Main outcome measure Death or major trauma, defined as an injury severity score > 15.

Results We were unable to identify any randomised controlled trials of parachute intervention.

Conclusions As with many interventions intended to prevent ill health, the effectiveness of parachutes has not been subjected to rigorous evaluation by using randomised controlled trials. Advocates of evidence based medicine have criticised the adoption of interventions evaluated by using only observational data. We think that everyone might benefit if the most radical protagonists of evidence based medicine organised and participated in a double blind, randomised, placebo controlled, crossover trial of the parachute.

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Serious adverse events of special interest following mRNA COVID-19 vaccination in randomized trials in adults

Pfizer and Moderna mRNA COVID-19 vaccines were associated with an excess risk of serious adverse events of special interest of 10.1 and 15.1 per 10,000 vaccinated over placebo baselines

In Vaccine,   the journal.

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