I statement

I believe that it’s valuable for communication to use I statements 

I get caught up sometimes either 

• Unable to create an I statement because I can’t identify the feelings 
• Getting defensive by interpreting a statement as an attack 
• Dealing with disguised you statements 

I-statements are generally a valuable tool, but toxic or abusive people can sometimes misuse them in an attempt to manipulate and control you. We’re going to look at how to identify when this is happening and what to do about it.

They use you-statements in disguise

Toxic people may try to make it harder for you to defend yourself against their accusations by starting them with the word “I.” They might say, “I feel like you’re rude and disrespectful,” or “I’m really hurt that you abandoned me and never make time for me.” These are not actually I-statements.

To see whether something is an I-statement or an accusation, try removing the first few words from the sentence. If the message is basically the same, it’s probably a you-statement pretending to be an I-statement.

For example, there isn’t really much difference between “I feel like you’re rude and disrespectful” and “You’re rude and disrespectful.”

What to do about it

How you respond to you-statements in disguise usually depends on whether you think the other person is trying to manipulate you intentionally or not.

If you think they’re genuinely trying to communicate well, you can try to help them communicate their feelings better. Try asking questions about how they feel and showing them that you do care about their feelings. Explain calmly that you’re feeling a little attacked, and consider asking for some time to calm down to help you discuss the problem more constructively.

Depending on the relationship you have with them, you might be able to encourage them to do some research into communicating their needs better. If they’re someone you know well and have a trusting relationship with, you could talk about the principles of I-statements and how they work best. You could even suggest that they read this article.

Apologize for any mistakes you genuinely believe you have made. Be polite but non-committal when they complain about situations where you don’t believe you did anything wrong.

For example, you could say, “I understand that it felt that way,” or “That wasn’t my intention.”

If you suspect that they’re trying to manipulate you, it’s often better to disengage from the conversation.

When someone is using I-statements as a weapon, they often use their feelings as a way to shut down the conversation. This behavior is hurtful, invalidating, and often manipulative.[8]

For example, if they say, “I feel like you’re really disrespectful,” you might explain why you don’t believe your actions were disrespectful. They would then try to take control of the conversation by saying, “I’m just telling you how I feel.”

Finding a good resolution to a conflict requires both people to work together. Using I-statements to shut down a conversation like this is an attempt to avoid taking responsibility for what they have said. They’re showing you that they’re not willing to work with you to make things right again.

If you need to work with them to find a solution, try to move the conversation toward concrete actions rather than allowing them to control you with discussions about their feelings. You could say, “I respect that’s how it feels to you, just as you respect that it feels different to me. Given that we feel very differently about it, let’s focus on trying to agree on what we can do differently to make this work.”